Nothing.

Over the past couple of years, I’ve changed a bit. My character is still the same: passionate, proud, emotional, easily excited/hurt, overthinking, introverted (yes haha), self-centred, bitchy, fierce(esp when it comes to work stuff), loving and generous to my loved ones. And I still have zero tolerance for stupidity and even less for grammatical errors.

But I’ve learnt to be more private. Too many things have happened and I am no longer the girl who speaks/posts freely. Everything I’ve put out in public has been given thought and a lot of censorship.

Some may see this as being fake, as the me in public is no longer the me in private. I choose to see this as cleaning up my act, and picking only a specific facet of myself to show to the world.

The platforms are my own. If I choose not to show you what I had for supper, or that I’m mad at Eric/my gfs, or hurt/affected by online attacks, I believe the prerogative is mine.

I stopped picking fights/fighting online because of several reasons:
1. I grew up. Just a little.
2. I really have better things to do and focus on now.
3. I’m happy and at peace.

Also, as said in previous post, I’m scared to death of her. I never felt like this online world was mine to call my own, not even a little bit. Maybe because we were friends way before I started anything online, I always felt this was her world.

I made the decision to step in this industry because I was tired of modeling and this was the natural progression from my Twitter account. This decision proved to be one of the factors that ended our friendship in 2012. Since the day we fought about this, not a day has passed that I don’t think of her whenever I think of my social media platforms.

I miss the Wendy that I knew. She was fun, funny, happy, loyal to a fault, and she loved me a lot. She genuinely cared for me, singlehandedly forced me out of a violent relationship I was in, and towards the end of our friendship, introduced me to The Secret which I believe has transformed my life. These really just scrape the tip of the iceberg. There’s so much good she did for me I really can’t put in a single blog post. If her memory serves her well, she would say the same about me.

I didn’t care who Xiaxue was. The troll bitch who hated random people, banglas, the disabled, or whoever provoked her. The Xiaxue whom so many people loved and hated didn’t affect me at all. I’m really not so noble or righteous to try to change her for the better, or to tell her to ease up on the hate. God knows, I was just as f*cked up in my own ways. So many times, I laughed along with her and participated in her wars.

The girl I loved was Wendy, my friend. The personal side of her so so few have had the privilege of seeing.

But since we ended our friendship, obviously Wendy started to fade away, replaced by Xiaxue. I am no longer a friend. In spite of my best intentions (withdrawing from Nuffnang, Churp Churp so we’d never have to fight for the same clients), I became a rival.

I didn’t choose to work with Gushcloud because Nuffnang is a competitor. When I started working with them, they were still called Barnett, had no bloggers signed to them, and honestly, I don’t even know what sorta company they were then. But over the years, they grew and grew. And now, it’s Nuffnang Vs Gushcloud, and this was never a fight we wanted.

Even now, I don’t see the need for such ugly competition. RGS taught me “may the best man win”; healthy competition promotes improvement and the best possible results. Gushcloud never provoked Nuffnang, and I tried my best not to step on Xiaxue’s toes. Her blog is way better and more popular than mine and she is leaps and bounds ahead of me in all social media. So why the constant need to compare and attack us?

You advertise for Coke and MacDonalds, I promote Pepsi and KFC. Why cannot?

Readers, followers, fans can like both Nuffnang and Gushcloud bloggers. Why cannot?

I know I sound naive but really, why cannot?

I myself like many Nuffnang bloggers too. I see them as individuals and I think they see me as an individual too. I’m not even a signed GC blogger to begin with.

Why does it have to be only 1 choice, 2 camps?

Gushcloud bloggers are also real people who work hard. Some of them have built their social media platforms wayyyy longer than I have.

Xiaxue may have given me a headstart, but I built my platforms painstakingly over many years too. If I had no content and am super boring or unlikable, I’m sure very very few of you would be even reading this blog right now.

I’ve tried to do good on my platforms, while making sure I don’t clash with her. It’s been very stressful.

To diversifying from blogging, I started my YouTube channel 6 months ago. You think it’s easy building a channel? There’s a whole team in Gush Studios planning scripts, schedules, editing, producing(I’m definitely not even covering half of it)… We’ve had to wake up at the crack of dawn (330am for the fishmonger ep) to film all day, and I’ve personally had to sit in with the editors to edit the final product you guys see. It’s 5-6 minutes to you but it’s one full day of filming for the crew and myself, and weeks for the editing.

I have done all 5 eps(so far) for not even ONE CENT. To build and grow this channel.

And to see Xiaxue come in with her blog post and “stats” accusing me/Gushcloud of buying my numbers, and have her readers actually believe her. HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF YOU WERE ME?

I NEVER bought my numbers. I sent my Google Analytics SCREENSHOTS for my blog to GC to pitch to clients; I didn’t inflate my numbers.

But I got THOUSANDS of hate comments all over my platforms(even before the Whatsapp leak).

And since her blog post, clients dropped me. One was for a campaign I had done ALL the work for, except for publishing it.

The logical part of me understands that clients just don’t wanna be involved at this time because of all the drama.

But I didn’t do anything wrong. I didn’t do what I was accused of. And I was being punished.

Would YOU be angry?

Because of her post, Gushcloud and I spent our Xmas eve eve and Xmas eve and Xmas dealing with the shit.

I was furious, but understood we had to stand as a team to refute all the accusations hurled at us.

I was THEN invited into the group chat. Before her post, I had absolutely no desire to speak of her to anyone of them. When I joined the chat, people were already angry with her post.

I THOUGHT and TRUSTED that the chat was private.

And being the furious enraged bitch I was, I bitched about Xiaxue and involved Shuyin, Clinton and Dash.

I NEVER expected the chat to see light, least of all be so public.

But it’s not because I’m getting even more hate that I’m apologizing.

I apologize because it has NOW hurt people.

What I said in the chat was never meant to hurt anyone I spoke about. Because I never expected it to get to them and hurt them.

I am human. I bitch when I’m upset. About my friends, my gfs, my parents, my colleagues, random people. I do it to vent what I feel then, to get it out of my system. And then I get over it. I don’t do it to hurt them.

I don’t post publicly to shame whoever who has upset me.

Granted, 58 isn’t exactly a small audience but I foolishly thought everyone was also upset about the false allegations.

If the chat had remained private, maybe I’m naive but I don’t see how anyone I spoke about would be vastly affected by those words. Many if not most of them were already angry with Xiaxue over the “Exposé”, and we will probably never cross paths with Shuyin, Clinton, Dash or anyone we spoke about.

And I was angry! With Xiaxue and her “not personal, you were just collateral damage” posts on me(this wasn’t the first time), and how it affected my work.

Throughout the course of that chat, I was getting more and more hate comments, and hearing about how clients are dropping me/us. How do you expect me to defend Wendy, my ex friend, in that chat??

Wendy was a great friend to me. She also loves Shuyin, and I’m sure she loves Dash and Clinton and Qiu Qiu and she’s damn good to them too.

Objectively, I can say that. But I wasn’t and couldn’t be objective in that chat cos I was mad at Xiaxue. Why can’t anyone see this?

To the people I’ve hurt because the chat leaked, I’m really sorry.

To Shuyin: I know you’re private. I’ve emailed you.

To Wendy’s mum: I’m sorry I made fun of Clinton and Dash. It was funny to me till it hurt you. That was never my intention.

To Qiu Qiu: We were just bitchy in the group chat. I’m sure you talk about people behind closed doors too, like I do, like we did. But in any case, I’m sorry it got to that, and that it made you mad. I understand you posted what you did cos you felt angry for Wendy. Perhaps you’re a better friend than I am/was.

To Genevieve: My reply in the group chat was instinctive. I went to speak to you only after I had calmed down. I know you think I’m being fake but I did go back and tell them you didn’t mean to hurt them after our texts. But I’m sorry anyway. That I wasn’t mature enough to stand up for you right off the cuff.

To Wendy, if you’re even there: I’m sorry the chat hurt you and the people you love. We’re no longer friends but I don’t want to hurt you and I don’t wish for war. I was angry about the attacks and thus shooting my mouth off in the chat. It was never meant to hurt you or the people I spoke of.

The reason why I’m talking to you here is cos I can’t bring myself to look at that angry email you sent. Some of what you mentioned in it are not true but some are things I shared with you because you were my closest gf. One of them I shared with you only because I saw how tortured you were then. Please don’t threaten to use it against me in your public wars.

To Xiaxue, if all I’m talking to is you: I have nothing to say to you.

 

 

My Response

Okay. No tears this time. Cos why? Cos I’m used to her attacking me.

When I started this blog we were still friends, she was damn unhappy about it because this is “HER” industry.

When I asked for ads on my Twitter, she unfollowed me(while we were still friends).

When I got sponsored at Dollhouse Pets, she took to tweeting about me.

When I got Instagram ads, I was also attacked(with a full blog post).

Now I start my own YouTube channel, I also kena.

I’m sure she has ALL these reasons in her head as to why I deserve her attacks. But my question today is: REALLY, WHY?

We agreed to part ways amicably after I ended our friendship back in 2012. I have NEVER provoked her in ANY way. So WHY the attacks on me time and again?

First couple of times, fine. Today, I’m NUMB to all the bullshit. “It’s not personal.” Really?

All the times she attacked me, I CHOSE not to attack her back. I explained my side of those stories and left it as that. With each attack, I felt that even if I explained myself publicly, she would find something else down the road to try and destroy me anyway(was I right?). And I used to cry about it! Every time she attacked me, it would affect me SO much, for days on end. I loved her. Dearly. Things didn’t work out but I didn’t hate her. So with each attack I just steeled myself, praying she would just stop.

But today, I can’t just let it pass anymore. So many times, I said I want peace. Well, doesn’t look like it’s happening for me.

On GUSHCLOUD

If you’ve read her post, you’ll see how she tried to bring the entire company Gushcloud down, and obviously me together with it. I am not signed to Gushcloud as a blogger, but I am signed under Gush Studios as a YouTuber. So that makes me a Gushcloud influencer all the same.

In spite of all the bullshit being thrown around about Gushcloud, I love these people. They were there for me ALL the way. Whenever anything happened, good or bad, they accepted me, they sheltered me. Even when I lost my temper at them and was nasty, and even when the top blogger attacked me and when I got in bad news/drama, they loved me all the same. I know I seem very strong to most people but I have my bad days. When I was weak and vulnerable, they protected me and soothed me. And when I was wrong, they gently advised me which helped me grow. I became a lot calmer and more resilient, and I believe this was evident in my public persona. And this is just my personal side talking.

On the work front, sure, Gushcloud used to have issues: late payment, pandering to clients more than I would like. BUT which new company is perfect? Was Nuffnang perfect? For the short amount of time I worked with Nuffnang and Churp Churp(I left both after a huge fight with her when I started my blog, in order to prove that I never wanted to compete for clients with her) in 2009-2010, I got some of my payments late too. I understand perfectly it is because some clients just pay late. It is not a fault of the company at all.

When I first started working with Gushcloud more than 2 years ago, it is true, they did tell me the client didn’t want the ad disclaimer on the ad they paid me to write. I argued with them like mad then. But eventually I did it anyway because it was a ad asking people to play a game to win prizes from a fast food chain that everyone eats anyway. If anyone is interested, the ad is HERE. Was it a lie to con people to spend and waste a lot of money? Nope. And so I did it. Do I sleep well at night because I didn’t put that ad disclaimer? Yes. I could have rejected doing the ad, but I took it anyway. Please, even I was playing the game myself la. So if you think this is morally wrong, blaheffblah, then sorry I really can’t be very sorry about this.

But since then, for the past 2 years, I was given TOTAL green light to put Ad disclaimers on all my ads. Whenever I was uncomfortable with something, the Gushcloud managers always settled it. Either I not do what was requested at all, or a comfortable compromise was made. But Gushcloud really didn’t ask me not to put the ad disclaimer since then, on ALL my ads. So yeah. I think it’s unfair to pull out an isolated incident from 2011 and present it as the truth of how Gushcloud works all the time. Just look at all my Ads here. Most are from Gushcloud and all of them have the word “ADVERTORIAL” stamped in bold on the TOP of each post.

I feel she has been way too harsh on the Gushcloud bloggers on this whole “masked ads” issue. In the email Miyake sent to her, Althea asked Eric to write it not LIKE an ad. Meaning don’t hard sell. NOT LIE THAT IT IS NOT AN AD.

There is NOTHING in this email that said HIDE the ad disclaimer or CANNOT put ad disclaimer.

Eric’s post(not sure if it’s live yet) will show you how Nuffnang bloggers ALSO don’t always put the ad disclaimer.

If this Ad disclaimer is SO crucial, why is it only Gushcloud bloggers that are attacked for not putting it? Why don’t I see ANY Nuffnang blogger picked on for not disclaiming too? Shouldn’t this “rule” be applied fairly to EVERY blogger and sponsored post?

The truth is, MANY bloggers/online influencers are guilty of neglecting to disclaim ads as ads. Why so harsh on ONLY us?

Many clients do want organic posts from us. A lot of those I work with ask me to give my genuine opinion of the products/services, and except for a few, most of them don’t alter my organic posts. Unless I got some info wrong or left out some crucial mechanics they wanted to include. I don’t see how this is dishonest or lying cos I write them based on how I feel about the product. And Gushcloud never told me to write in any way I myself didn’t want to.

I am NOT a signed blogger. IF Gushcloud was so terrible to work with, WHY would I continue to work with them? Especially since I get ads on my own too.

I’m very happy working with Gushcloud. I firmly believe they strike a good balance between influencer and client, and they are fair to both sides. More and more so, as the company grows in strength.

Not every blogger or client is easy to work with; some are just horrible. But I have never seen Gushcloud treating either clients or influencers unreasonably. If we are wrong, we get scolded. If the clients are wrong, the managers always manage to exit peacefully, without drama.

What I like most about Gushcloud is how they carry themselves. Trust me, getting attacked SUCKS BALLS. It’s SO hard not to get emotional and lash back. But people at Gushcloud just seem at peace. Hurt and angry, no doubt, but calm.

This mummy blogger said this today, “When we have problems, we try to fix it. Not hurt people.” This really resonated with me. I have so much more to learn.

On my YouTube Stats

She took stats from a few weeks and picked out what suited her argument and presented it as the COMPLETE truth. As I said on Instagram, I NEVER bought any views/subs/numbers of any kind on any of my platforms. This I swear.

Truth be told, when I first got wind of her suspecting my YouTube views are fake, I too doubted the Gush Studios side. I questioned them, cos I sure as hell didn’t buy. If not me then it’s them right?? But everyone got so angry and defensive in the chat, it just couldn’t be. And everyone scrambled to find proof that my numbers are legit, even contacting YouTube and digging deep into all my YouTube analytics for the past 6 months. Would ANYONE who is guilty do this?

But yes, I’m sure there are some of you who obviously don’t believe anything I say and have already condemned me based on her words, so here is the proof(Gush Studios pulled these screenshots out from my YouTube Analytics):

The overview of ALL my numbers on YouTube so far. (The comments below are left by the team). And yes, I told them to turn off the ads on YouTube, so you guys won’t have to sit through them. They forgot for one ep I think, so the GRAND TOTAL of how much I made on this channel is $17.71.

We haven’t made any money from BOAT and for some of the locations, we even had to fork out our own money to pay.

This is super important. Most of my views are from YouTube suggested video(you know those on the right panel and when the vid ends) and YouTube channel page which I hype frequently. YouTube’s algorithm suggests videos based on what you have watched previously, meaning YouTube itself was suggesting my video to viewers. If the views were bought, they would come from DIRECT TRAFFIC and be under the Unknown category. Definitely not via suggested videos.

Ep 2 Lifetime Views

- High views when released, dwindled over time.

- Spikes:

  • 10 Sept: IG
  • 15 Sept: 3rd Ep release
  • 27 Sept: IG
  • 5 Oct: IG
These are the dates I hyped it, hence the spikes.

My subscribers. Totally normal for a Singaporean YouTuber. No random strange ulu country.

In THIS STUDY by The Daily Dot, you can see that when the writer bought views, more than 90% of them came from random countries like Russia, Ukraine, India, Poland, Romania, Thailand, and Indonesia(ulu cos they’re in the US). Compared to my channel where more than 80% of my viewers come from: SINGAPORE and MALAYSIA.

 

My subscribers’ stats. Do you see any sudden spike? Assuming someone bought me subs? Every week, every month, the stats are consistent, as you can see.

 

All my Likes and Dislikes. Just see for yourselves la. And who will buy Dislikes??

This is also a point to note. Retention rate, meaning how long people stay to watch a video. If the views are bought, the retention rates will be very low like under 10% cos the bots just click and leave without watching. Mine is 57% so people ARE staying to watch.

 

Where my comments come from. Take a look at the comments on all the videos. Tell me if they’re organic.

 

A good explanation someone helped me comment on Facebook(not sure if it’s still there):

Thank you for bringing these points to light so succinctly. Idk who you are but thank you.

If you’re interested to see my stats for ALL the months since I’ve started my channel, they are HERE(for the Overview of ALL the eps) and HERE(for the in depth breakdown of stats per ep or Eps 1-3). Got charts some more. In full view for all to see. Almost all my views are from Singapore and Malaysia. And the views spiked whenever I posted on my IG or blog. If you really so kaypoh, then check the dates and verify yourself.

(THANK YOU J and X for pulling out all these stats for me at such short notice. REALLY SUPER appreciate it. Treat you 2 to HDL soon!)

My numbers are legit. I didn’t buy them. Gush Studios didn’t buy them. Gushcloud didn’t buy them. They are so legit I can’t even suggest someone bought me fake numbers, cos there simply aren’t.

Just please look at SIX MONTHS OF DATA IN FULL TRANSPARENCY before you believe someone who might or might not have an agenda against me.

On my blog stats

(And a bit of Eric’s too.)

Does anyone know how current the influencers’ profiles are? NO? I answer you. This is a screenshot of my Google Analytics linked to this blog in 2013. I sent this to Freda, who was pitching to a client and she copied and pasted what I sent her in this pitch:

This was taken from a screenshot I sent her. Granted, this was when I hyped my blog, but still. You can see how many unique visitors there were.

Added bit:

Gushcloud pitched me at 150k-200k monthly views. Earlier this year, I got 143k, which I know isn’t in the range of 150-200k and if you take the average over the year, it’s less than that. But like I said, the data from the pitch was from last year when I was blogging more.

Here are some other screenshots I sent Gushcloud:

Whenever I hype a post especially on Instagram and Twitter, the number spikes. I believe this is because I’m much more active on IG than here. So if I don’t explicitly say there’s a post here, I don’t get why people would come here?

I don’t see myself as a blogger, really. I mean, I do blog, but it’s just one of the many things I do. I do NOT go around telling people I’m a blogger; it’s just that sometimes it’s easier than having to explain the rest of everything else I do. I usually say I’m an online personality.

And the truth is, I’ve got my hands full with a lot of other stuff. So I don’t blog here as often. It should not be a surprise that my numbers dip. Gushcloud didn’t inflate them. I did get those numbers for real. If I hype about this post now, trust me, I can hit 5k in a day too. I have 79.7k followers on IG and 37.2k on Twitter, ALL legit. If I hype on those platforms, why should 5k a day be impossible?

And can I just say I got these views from doing legit constructive work and not trolling on others or creating drama? I CAN get higher views that way, just go pick on someone and blow it up la. If you’ve forgotten, I can be really nasty with my words too. But it’s NOT in my style to do so, at least not anymore. I would rather get 100 views a day from people who truly like what I write and can take something positive from it than 10k views from kaypoh trolls who just come here to watch shit hit the fan and go along blindly with who has more power. #100%truth #noinflation

I feel sad that Eric and I are picked on for our blog stats and I’m here even explaining all of this to you.

 

 These are Eric’s stats when he was actively blogging. The average IS about 1k a day. On some days he hit over 2k as you can see in these screen grabs from his Google Analytics.

And the reason why his stats have dropped is because Eric JUST ORD-ed zzz. He was in camp for the PAST 2 YEARS, where got time to maintain his blog?? And I’m so busy all the time too. Is it surprising our numbers aren’t as high as they used to be cos blogging isn’t top of our list of priorities now?

And why is it Gushcloud’s fault when they didn’t INFLATE numbers? They’re only guilty of not updating their data, but the data is NOT false or made up. When they ask us for our stats, WE ALWAYS HAVE TO GIVE SCREENSHOTS (or provide the managers access to our Google Analytics). We NEVER got away with just TELLING them what the numbers are, as Gushcloud needs the screenshots to account to the clients the total reach and engagement garnered. These numbers are NOT fake nor inflated. We did hit those numbers.

If I took 3 days of analytics data from a not very active blog, the hits would also be lower than average. Taking numbers from when a blog is more active, HOW is this inflating numbers?

With regards to the shell company she created “SG Private Trainers”, she SPECIFICALLY requested for ME and for the banner to be on MY blog so she could get access to MY blog hits. The banner was put up Sept 2014 when I wasn’t actively blogging anymore(was I ever really?). I remember telling Fai(account manager in Gushcloud): “Erm my blog layout changed and the banners are right at the bottom leh, why would the client want to put??” He said the “client insisted” so I was like “Okay lor.” and I charged a small amount(definitely not $1k) for it. I quoted my rate which I got and I left the agency cut up to Gushcloud. The banner is still below if you care to check it out. I’m so baffled how she created the fake company and PAID Gushcloud $1k  JUST to get my stats?? Who does that?

The fact is, I, and we, are being targeted. By someone and/or some people who has time and again attacked us publicly and undermined our credibility.

No matter how I try to clear the air or prove myself, the attacks would still come.

She could spend yet another year pulling out old ads I did that I didn’t disclaim as ads, tracking my stats, jumping at every client who hires me, posting more defamatory posts to kill me. I really wouldn’t put it past her. I thought by starting and focussing on my YouTube channel, I was effectively drifting away from blogging(what she hates that I do) and could avoid all this drama. And now, I haven’t even made ONE cent in my pocket from my channel and already the drama has begun.

Before you are so quick to judge and believe, perhaps ask WHAT is the agenda behind all these attacks?

Are honesty and integrity really the focus here? Or is it something more sinister?

Just cos the voice is louder doesn’t mean it’s right. Just because there are charts and diagrams and “stats” doesn’t mean the data is perfect, or even fair for that matter. For someone with such high moral values, what is the point in trying again and again to wreck and annihilate someone else?

Again, I do not want war. I want peace. I never fought back because:

1. A retarded part of me still hung on to the friendship we had and I would never deliberately, maliciously harm someone I loved.

2. I was afraid, No, terrified. I felt that even when we used to be so close and she was unprovoked, she could attack me like that, just how far would she go if I fought back? I was scared for myself, my reputation, my work, my loved ones, things she has shown constantly to have no qualms attacking in her rage.

But why do I always have to “let it slide”, “forget about it”, and “don’t bother”? Everyone used to tell me that. You know why? Cos everyone thinks I cannot win the fight against her.

And that is nothing but the truth. I cannot win. And I don’t want to win. I NEVER WANTED TO EVEN COMPETE.

I just want to do good on what I do. But if someone, anyone, accuses me of something I did not do and defames me, I do not want to live this life taking it lying down in fear.

I only have this life. If I die, I will not go gentle into that good night.

P/S: I’m donating every cent I got from the “SG Private Trainers” banner ad to www.sanctuaryhouse.com.sg. It’s a really good cause but this isn’t me being noble. I just don’t want her money. If you found some truth/answers/entertainment in this post(sorry if it isn’t so well crafted, I didn’t have a year to do it), maybe you can make a donation or find some way to help out this Xmas too.

P/P/S: Althea wrote a post addressing her directly. I’m sure she has already seen it but in case you haven’t, HERE it is.