Over the past couple of years, I’ve changed a bit. My character is still the same: passionate, proud, emotional, easily excited/hurt, overthinking, introverted (yes haha), self-centred, bitchy, fierce(esp when it comes to work stuff), loving and generous to my loved ones. And I still have zero tolerance for stupidity and even less for grammatical errors.
But I’ve learnt to be more private. Too many things have happened and I am no longer the girl who speaks/posts freely. Everything I’ve put out in public has been given thought and a lot of censorship.
Some may see this as being fake, as the me in public is no longer the me in private. I choose to see this as cleaning up my act, and picking only a specific facet of myself to show to the world.
The platforms are my own. If I choose not to show you what I had for supper, or that I’m mad at Eric/my gfs, or hurt/affected by online attacks, I believe the prerogative is mine.
I stopped picking fights/fighting online because of several reasons:
1. I grew up. Just a little.
2. I really have better things to do and focus on now.
3. I’m happy and at peace.
Also, as said in previous post, I’m scared to death of her. I never felt like this online world was mine to call my own, not even a little bit. Maybe because we were friends way before I started anything online, I always felt this was her world.
I made the decision to step in this industry because I was tired of modeling and this was the natural progression from my Twitter account. This decision proved to be one of the factors that ended our friendship in 2012. Since the day we fought about this, not a day has passed that I don’t think of her whenever I think of my social media platforms.
I miss the Wendy that I knew. She was fun, funny, happy, loyal to a fault, and she loved me a lot. She genuinely cared for me, singlehandedly forced me out of a violent relationship I was in, and towards the end of our friendship, introduced me to The Secret which I believe has transformed my life. These really just scrape the tip of the iceberg. There’s so much good she did for me I really can’t put in a single blog post. If her memory serves her well, she would say the same about me.
I didn’t care who Xiaxue was. The troll bitch who hated random people, banglas, the disabled, or whoever provoked her. The Xiaxue whom so many people loved and hated didn’t affect me at all. I’m really not so noble or righteous to try to change her for the better, or to tell her to ease up on the hate. God knows, I was just as f*cked up in my own ways. So many times, I laughed along with her and participated in her wars.
The girl I loved was Wendy, my friend. The personal side of her so so few have had the privilege of seeing.
But since we ended our friendship, obviously Wendy started to fade away, replaced by Xiaxue. I am no longer a friend. In spite of my best intentions (withdrawing from Nuffnang, Churp Churp so we’d never have to fight for the same clients), I became a rival.
I didn’t choose to work with Gushcloud because Nuffnang is a competitor. When I started working with them, they were still called Barnett, had no bloggers signed to them, and honestly, I don’t even know what sorta company they were then. But over the years, they grew and grew. And now, it’s Nuffnang Vs Gushcloud, and this was never a fight we wanted.
Even now, I don’t see the need for such ugly competition. RGS taught me “may the best man win”; healthy competition promotes improvement and the best possible results. Gushcloud never provoked Nuffnang, and I tried my best not to step on Xiaxue’s toes. Her blog is way better and more popular than mine and she is leaps and bounds ahead of me in all social media. So why the constant need to compare and attack us?
You advertise for Coke and MacDonalds, I promote Pepsi and KFC. Why cannot?
Readers, followers, fans can like both Nuffnang and Gushcloud bloggers. Why cannot?
I know I sound naive but really, why cannot?
I myself like many Nuffnang bloggers too. I see them as individuals and I think they see me as an individual too. I’m not even a signed GC blogger to begin with.
Why does it have to be only 1 choice, 2 camps?
Gushcloud bloggers are also real people who work hard. Some of them have built their social media platforms wayyyy longer than I have.
Xiaxue may have given me a headstart, but I built my platforms painstakingly over many years too. If I had no content and am super boring or unlikable, I’m sure very very few of you would be even reading this blog right now.
I’ve tried to do good on my platforms, while making sure I don’t clash with her. It’s been very stressful.
To diversifying from blogging, I started my YouTube channel 6 months ago. You think it’s easy building a channel? There’s a whole team in Gush Studios planning scripts, schedules, editing, producing(I’m definitely not even covering half of it)… We’ve had to wake up at the crack of dawn (330am for the fishmonger ep) to film all day, and I’ve personally had to sit in with the editors to edit the final product you guys see. It’s 5-6 minutes to you but it’s one full day of filming for the crew and myself, and weeks for the editing.
I have done all 5 eps(so far) for not even ONE CENT. To build and grow this channel.
And to see Xiaxue come in with her blog post and “stats” accusing me/Gushcloud of buying my numbers, and have her readers actually believe her. HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF YOU WERE ME?
I NEVER bought my numbers. I sent my Google Analytics SCREENSHOTS for my blog to GC to pitch to clients; I didn’t inflate my numbers.
But I got THOUSANDS of hate comments all over my platforms(even before the Whatsapp leak).
And since her blog post, clients dropped me. One was for a campaign I had done ALL the work for, except for publishing it.
The logical part of me understands that clients just don’t wanna be involved at this time because of all the drama.
But I didn’t do anything wrong. I didn’t do what I was accused of. And I was being punished.
Would YOU be angry?
Because of her post, Gushcloud and I spent our Xmas eve eve and Xmas eve and Xmas dealing with the shit.
I was furious, but understood we had to stand as a team to refute all the accusations hurled at us.
I was THEN invited into the group chat. Before her post, I had absolutely no desire to speak of her to anyone of them. When I joined the chat, people were already angry with her post.
I THOUGHT and TRUSTED that the chat was private.
And being the furious enraged bitch I was, I bitched about Xiaxue and involved Shuyin, Clinton and Dash.
I NEVER expected the chat to see light, least of all be so public.
But it’s not because I’m getting even more hate that I’m apologizing.
I apologize because it has NOW hurt people.
What I said in the chat was never meant to hurt anyone I spoke about. Because I never expected it to get to them and hurt them.
I am human. I bitch when I’m upset. About my friends, my gfs, my parents, my colleagues, random people. I do it to vent what I feel then, to get it out of my system. And then I get over it. I don’t do it to hurt them.
I don’t post publicly to shame whoever who has upset me.
Granted, 58 isn’t exactly a small audience but I foolishly thought everyone was also upset about the false allegations.
If the chat had remained private, maybe I’m naive but I don’t see how anyone I spoke about would be vastly affected by those words. Many if not most of them were already angry with Xiaxue over the “Exposé”, and we will probably never cross paths with Shuyin, Clinton, Dash or anyone we spoke about.
And I was angry! With Xiaxue and her “not personal, you were just collateral damage” posts on me(this wasn’t the first time), and how it affected my work.
Throughout the course of that chat, I was getting more and more hate comments, and hearing about how clients are dropping me/us. How do you expect me to defend Wendy, my ex friend, in that chat??
Wendy was a great friend to me. She also loves Shuyin, and I’m sure she loves Dash and Clinton and Qiu Qiu and she’s damn good to them too.
Objectively, I can say that. But I wasn’t and couldn’t be objective in that chat cos I was mad at Xiaxue. Why can’t anyone see this?
To the people I’ve hurt because the chat leaked, I’m really sorry.
To Shuyin: I know you’re private. I’ve emailed you.
To Wendy’s mum: I’m sorry I made fun of Clinton and Dash. It was funny to me till it hurt you. That was never my intention.
To Qiu Qiu: We were just bitchy in the group chat. I’m sure you talk about people behind closed doors too, like I do, like we did. But in any case, I’m sorry it got to that, and that it made you mad. I understand you posted what you did cos you felt angry for Wendy. Perhaps you’re a better friend than I am/was.
To Genevieve: My reply in the group chat was instinctive. I went to speak to you only after I had calmed down. I know you think I’m being fake but I did go back and tell them you didn’t mean to hurt them after our texts. But I’m sorry anyway. That I wasn’t mature enough to stand up for you right off the cuff.
To Wendy, if you’re even there: I’m sorry the chat hurt you and the people you love. We’re no longer friends but I don’t want to hurt you and I don’t wish for war. I was angry about the attacks and thus shooting my mouth off in the chat. It was never meant to hurt you or the people I spoke of.
The reason why I’m talking to you here is cos I can’t bring myself to look at that angry email you sent. Some of what you mentioned in it are not true but some are things I shared with you because you were my closest gf. One of them I shared with you only because I saw how tortured you were then. Please don’t threaten to use it against me in your public wars.
To Xiaxue, if all I’m talking to is you: I have nothing to say to you.