Over the past couple of years, I’ve changed a bit. My character is still the same: passionate, proud, emotional, easily excited/hurt, overthinking, introverted (yes haha), self-centred, bitchy, fierce(esp when it comes to work stuff), loving and generous to my loved ones. And I still have zero tolerance for stupidity and even less for grammatical errors.

But I’ve learnt to be more private. Too many things have happened and I am no longer the girl who speaks/posts freely. Everything I’ve put out in public has been given thought and a lot of censorship.

Some may see this as being fake, as the me in public is no longer the me in private. I choose to see this as cleaning up my act, and picking only a specific facet of myself to show to the world.

The platforms are my own. If I choose not to show you what I had for supper, or that I’m mad at Eric/my gfs, or hurt/affected by online attacks, I believe the prerogative is mine.

I stopped picking fights/fighting online because of several reasons:
1. I grew up. Just a little.
2. I really have better things to do and focus on now.
3. I’m happy and at peace.

Also, as said in previous post, I’m scared to death of her. I never felt like this online world was mine to call my own, not even a little bit. Maybe because we were friends way before I started anything online, I always felt this was her world.

I made the decision to step in this industry because I was tired of modeling and this was the natural progression from my Twitter account. This decision proved to be one of the factors that ended our friendship in 2012. Since the day we fought about this, not a day has passed that I don’t think of her whenever I think of my social media platforms.

I miss the Wendy that I knew. She was fun, funny, happy, loyal to a fault, and she loved me a lot. She genuinely cared for me, singlehandedly forced me out of a violent relationship I was in, and towards the end of our friendship, introduced me to The Secret which I believe has transformed my life. These really just scrape the tip of the iceberg. There’s so much good she did for me I really can’t put in a single blog post. If her memory serves her well, she would say the same about me.

I didn’t care who Xiaxue was. The troll bitch who hated random people, banglas, the disabled, or whoever provoked her. The Xiaxue whom so many people loved and hated didn’t affect me at all. I’m really not so noble or righteous to try to change her for the better, or to tell her to ease up on the hate. God knows, I was just as f*cked up in my own ways. So many times, I laughed along with her and participated in her wars.

The girl I loved was Wendy, my friend. The personal side of her so so few have had the privilege of seeing.

But since we ended our friendship, obviously Wendy started to fade away, replaced by Xiaxue. I am no longer a friend. In spite of my best intentions (withdrawing from Nuffnang, Churp Churp so we’d never have to fight for the same clients), I became a rival.

I didn’t choose to work with Gushcloud because Nuffnang is a competitor. When I started working with them, they were still called Barnett, had no bloggers signed to them, and honestly, I don’t even know what sorta company they were then. But over the years, they grew and grew. And now, it’s Nuffnang Vs Gushcloud, and this was never a fight we wanted.

Even now, I don’t see the need for such ugly competition. RGS taught me “may the best man win”; healthy competition promotes improvement and the best possible results. Gushcloud never provoked Nuffnang, and I tried my best not to step on Xiaxue’s toes. Her blog is way better and more popular than mine and she is leaps and bounds ahead of me in all social media. So why the constant need to compare and attack us?

You advertise for Coke and MacDonalds, I promote Pepsi and KFC. Why cannot?

Readers, followers, fans can like both Nuffnang and Gushcloud bloggers. Why cannot?

I know I sound naive but really, why cannot?

I myself like many Nuffnang bloggers too. I see them as individuals and I think they see me as an individual too. I’m not even a signed GC blogger to begin with.

Why does it have to be only 1 choice, 2 camps?

Gushcloud bloggers are also real people who work hard. Some of them have built their social media platforms wayyyy longer than I have.

Xiaxue may have given me a headstart, but I built my platforms painstakingly over many years too. If I had no content and am super boring or unlikable, I’m sure very very few of you would be even reading this blog right now.

I’ve tried to do good on my platforms, while making sure I don’t clash with her. It’s been very stressful.

To diversifying from blogging, I started my YouTube channel 6 months ago. You think it’s easy building a channel? There’s a whole team in Gush Studios planning scripts, schedules, editing, producing(I’m definitely not even covering half of it)… We’ve had to wake up at the crack of dawn (330am for the fishmonger ep) to film all day, and I’ve personally had to sit in with the editors to edit the final product you guys see. It’s 5-6 minutes to you but it’s one full day of filming for the crew and myself, and weeks for the editing.

I have done all 5 eps(so far) for not even ONE CENT. To build and grow this channel.

And to see Xiaxue come in with her blog post and “stats” accusing me/Gushcloud of buying my numbers, and have her readers actually believe her. HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF YOU WERE ME?

I NEVER bought my numbers. I sent my Google Analytics SCREENSHOTS for my blog to GC to pitch to clients; I didn’t inflate my numbers.

But I got THOUSANDS of hate comments all over my platforms(even before the Whatsapp leak).

And since her blog post, clients dropped me. One was for a campaign I had done ALL the work for, except for publishing it.

The logical part of me understands that clients just don’t wanna be involved at this time because of all the drama.

But I didn’t do anything wrong. I didn’t do what I was accused of. And I was being punished.

Would YOU be angry?

Because of her post, Gushcloud and I spent our Xmas eve eve and Xmas eve and Xmas dealing with the shit.

I was furious, but understood we had to stand as a team to refute all the accusations hurled at us.

I was THEN invited into the group chat. Before her post, I had absolutely no desire to speak of her to anyone of them. When I joined the chat, people were already angry with her post.

I THOUGHT and TRUSTED that the chat was private.

And being the furious enraged bitch I was, I bitched about Xiaxue and involved Shuyin, Clinton and Dash.

I NEVER expected the chat to see light, least of all be so public.

But it’s not because I’m getting even more hate that I’m apologizing.

I apologize because it has NOW hurt people.

What I said in the chat was never meant to hurt anyone I spoke about. Because I never expected it to get to them and hurt them.

I am human. I bitch when I’m upset. About my friends, my gfs, my parents, my colleagues, random people. I do it to vent what I feel then, to get it out of my system. And then I get over it. I don’t do it to hurt them.

I don’t post publicly to shame whoever who has upset me.

Granted, 58 isn’t exactly a small audience but I foolishly thought everyone was also upset about the false allegations.

If the chat had remained private, maybe I’m naive but I don’t see how anyone I spoke about would be vastly affected by those words. Many if not most of them were already angry with Xiaxue over the “Exposé”, and we will probably never cross paths with Shuyin, Clinton, Dash or anyone we spoke about.

And I was angry! With Xiaxue and her “not personal, you were just collateral damage” posts on me(this wasn’t the first time), and how it affected my work.

Throughout the course of that chat, I was getting more and more hate comments, and hearing about how clients are dropping me/us. How do you expect me to defend Wendy, my ex friend, in that chat??

Wendy was a great friend to me. She also loves Shuyin, and I’m sure she loves Dash and Clinton and Qiu Qiu and she’s damn good to them too.

Objectively, I can say that. But I wasn’t and couldn’t be objective in that chat cos I was mad at Xiaxue. Why can’t anyone see this?

To the people I’ve hurt because the chat leaked, I’m really sorry.

To Shuyin: I know you’re private. I’ve emailed you.

To Wendy’s mum: I’m sorry I made fun of Clinton and Dash. It was funny to me till it hurt you. That was never my intention.

To Qiu Qiu: We were just bitchy in the group chat. I’m sure you talk about people behind closed doors too, like I do, like we did. But in any case, I’m sorry it got to that, and that it made you mad. I understand you posted what you did cos you felt angry for Wendy. Perhaps you’re a better friend than I am/was.

To Genevieve: My reply in the group chat was instinctive. I went to speak to you only after I had calmed down. I know you think I’m being fake but I did go back and tell them you didn’t mean to hurt them after our texts. But I’m sorry anyway. That I wasn’t mature enough to stand up for you right off the cuff.

To Wendy, if you’re even there: I’m sorry the chat hurt you and the people you love. We’re no longer friends but I don’t want to hurt you and I don’t wish for war. I was angry about the attacks and thus shooting my mouth off in the chat. It was never meant to hurt you or the people I spoke of.

The reason why I’m talking to you here is cos I can’t bring myself to look at that angry email you sent. Some of what you mentioned in it are not true but some are things I shared with you because you were my closest gf. One of them I shared with you only because I saw how tortured you were then. Please don’t threaten to use it against me in your public wars.

To Xiaxue, if all I’m talking to is you: I have nothing to say to you.



16 thoughts on “Nothing.

  1. You’re a very brave and humble soul. Willing to apologise even when it’s not entirely your fault. God bless you Kay Kay. Do stay strong.

  2. Hi KayKay,
    Not sure my comment is impt to you. But what i wanna say is if you apologise sincerely (i think you do), i think wendy, momo, qiuqiu and etc will all forgive you!
    But of cos initially when i read the whatsapp leak, i was too angry. But thanks for letting us know your side of story.
    Take care! I think you are so brave!

  3. well, Dash, her mum, QQ, SY are all accidental “victims” given the strong association with her and you definitely dont mean it. And, if someone accidently kill another due to defense of an attack, guilty? not. So, dont feel so bad. Dont worry about losing some clients, always believe it actually path the way for bigger clients to come. Support you.

  4. You are brave and humble enough to apologize …even if you do not start it in the first place. Stay beautiful and live well my dear.

  5. Whatever you say la, Yan Kay Kay.
    We still love you very much anyway- because of your personality among many other reasons. If it’s because of beauty we would have gone to some celeb blog no problem. Pull yourself out of all this bullshit and post something nice about your day can?

  6. Very well written post. I dont blame you at all for bitching because really, who hasnt bitched about someone they knew? I applaud ur humility and willingness to apologize, even tho its not ur fault. Stay strong, and know that there are people out there who support you. God bless.

  7. Wah wah wah.. “I never meant”.. “I didn’t mean to..” god, every time shit hits the fan, you just sound like a toddler throwing a tantrum.

    Funnily enough, you claim that XX is self-centred and her GC expose was personal…but no one is more self-centred and getting personal THAN YOU. In her GC post, approximately, what, 15% of her post mentioned you? The part where she displayed a few GC bloggers’ blog stats, and your YouTube views. Sure, you can say that she was personal – but not against you. The most you can say is that she was ‘personally’ attacking GC (which she could for all I care as long as she backs it up with facts & evidence)
    Hon, get your narcissistic little head out of your tight ass. It’s not always about you. When I saw people proclaiming you “apologized” I was expecting much more. Came to this and was sorely disappointed, to say the least. How the fuck is this even an apology? It’s just you saying “Waaaah.. okay mommy, I’m sorry I slapped kor kor but he was the one who..who.. waaaahh.. okay i’m sorry but.. but..”

    Oh well. No wonder nobody in your circle likes you anymore. Ta!

    • You are so “ugly”. how about comparing this apology to your midget Xia Xuay’s apology re: her arrogant critic of an unborn child? Oh yeah, you have short memory maybe, so here it goes : XX : “apologised already, what the fuck you want me to say?” and look at how she apologised here You behave exactly like her – bashing others, rude, some arrogance (yet to reach her level, who can? she is at the top (of rude list), right.) etc. Kiddo (even if you are not, its time to grow up), do you want your country to be full of peoples who are arrogant, obnoxious, vulgar, foul mouth, bully, brag of her fake achievements, self obsessed, with purple bleached hair, plastic-ly?- she has it all. She is a bad influence!

      • Oh, by the way, the name “midget xia xuay” is not given by me. I picked it up from a public post, most ppls calling her, even a fan club of xia xuay (it meant as a bad term, just in case you dont get it), so it is ok for me to just adopt it, Hold on, doesnt this sound familiar? oh yeah, XX said it before (when she called Dawn, plasticzilla). Nope, I am not influenced by her. Just to let her taste a little of her own medicine. Not bitter? More to come, from others, of course.

  8. I can only imagine the stress you have been subjected to the last week or so. I have tried to be neutral but I can see how things have progressed and your former friend’s actions have proved what a vindictive person she can be. It’s good for your sanity and well being you two are no longer friends. You are so much better than she is in all respects. It’s not easy to come out and say you’ve made mistakes but no one is perfect. I strongly believe in the end, you will come out of this situation more or less unscathed. I believe in you, Kaykay. May God or whatever higher power bless you. Take care, sweetie. <3

  9. Stay strong Kay Kay. The hate comments towards you in instagram and elsewhere were seriously ridiculous. Even I was angry reading them. Then I thought.. wait, these people are not even your friends and we all don’t even know them in person, they just feel butthurt cause others don’t like their idol. They sprang out of nowhere and rage on and on as if their lives even matter to you, it’s comical actually. If hating made the haters feel better, then so be it and let them be. I was a fan of Wendy before all these, well not anymore. And I’m just being rational. I too have nothing to say about Wendy, her actions speaks for itself and is a reflection of what kind of person she truly is. Keep doing your thing, you have a new supporter in me.

  10. Apologize criticize, don’t apologize also criticize…. What the ….

    Give her a break, lah please! It’s been more than a week since GC posted their response saying that they’re not guilty of any of the things XX accused them of.

    Has XX apologized? She’s thinks she’s a royal blogging queen and never have to apologize for anything. She’s a horrible human being, most vindictive, malicious slore who loves to point fingers only but never accepting any blame.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>